National Network for Equitable Library Service

Love Busters is a companion book to 'His Needs, Her Needs', both of which draw on Harley's extensive marriage counselling research and experience. The book is very pragmatic and American, complete with step-by-step problem solvers, but nevertheless, it manages to assess complex human behaviour in a remarkably simple way. 'His Needs, Her Needs' introduced the metaphor of a 'love bank' that governs our feelings about all our relationships. We grow in love for those who make regular deposits by meeting a need that we have. We dislike those who regularly withdraw from their accounts with us. 'Love Busters' elaborates on those habits in a marriage that can make large and regular withdrawals from our partners' accounts, which lead ultimately to the tragedy of mutual hatred and eventual divorce. To the 'love bank' metaphor, it adds the concept of the 'giver' and the 'taker' that each of us possesses. The giver will work for the other's happiness even at its own expense, and a relationship works when both partners' givers are working well. When one's giver has been working hard, but without reciprocity, the taker is aroused to action. The 'taker' works for one's own happiness even at the expense of others, and will justify any bad behaviour to get what it wants. Takers destroy relationships, and to save relationships and make steps towards regaining marital bliss, one needs to consciously set the taker aside and negotiate ways of getting the givers working again. Harley's book is likely to convict anyone who has seen their own power to screw up relationships. It lands all kinds of necessary hammer blows to our selfishness, and shows (seemingly unknowingly) that the Biblical call to serve and to love one's enemies is actually genuine wisdom, and a recipe for greater happiness.